HELP, should I tell my bestfriend’s boyfriend she is HIV-positive?


Kinnaka, thank you for creating this much needed platform! I have been following you for about 4 months now and I must say you are doing a very good job. This is my story…

I am a 29-year-old Cameroonian lady and I have been living with HIV now for 6 years. I met Lum (real name withheld) the lady I now call my bestfriend during one of my many visits to the hospital. When I met her 3 years ago, she had just found out she was HIV-positive and was very suicidal.  I became her unofficial counsellor and made her understand that HIV is not a death sentence and she still has a chance of living a long and happy life. We became really close after that and when she got better and accepted her status we swore to always be there for one another and never to tell anyone about our status. 

Ever since I have known Lum, men have always thrown themselves at her but she has never really shown any interest in any of them. I can’t blame the men, Lum is a very sexy lady and takes her antiretroviral drugs religiously. I think most people will find it hard to believe she has HIV even if they saw her test results. 

Last year Lum met and fell in love with a young banker based in Douala. The relationship got serious pretty quickly as the guy gave her the keys to his apartment. Before they started having sex, I advised Lum to tell the guy about her status and she promised she would but never did.  Lum’s boyfriend, let us just call him Karl (not his real name). Karl told Lum he doesn’t like condoms and they have been having unprotected sex for months now. 

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I begged Lum again to tell the guy but she said she was taking her medication as asked by the doctors and that the risk of infecting Karl was very low. But I advised her to tell him and let him decide for himself if he wants to have unprotected sex or not. Lum still didn’t tell Karl. 

In July this year, Karl proposed marriage to Lum. He still does not know about her status. Karl treats me like Lum’s sister. Most of the times when he is buying gifts for Lum, he buys me something too. I have been giving him indirect hints to ask Lum for an HIV test but he doesn’t seem to get it.

They are planing their wedding for this December. I feel like if Karl marries Lum without knowing her status or gets infected by her, I would be as guilty as she is for not telling him. I feel like telling Karl would be betraying Lum which is something I swore I would never to do.

What should I do KB readers? I am in a dilemma!

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  1. Don't tell him ohh. Your loyalty is to Lum not him. All those men who go around saying they don't like condoms will learn the hard way.

  2. I understand your dilemma my sister, revealing your friend's status will reveal yours. I wouldn't blame you if you don't tell "karl" to be honest. I am praying for all of you.

  3. I think this will need some diligence. I recon you make the point to Lum. Tell her to make him know and don't be part of the wedding until she does. If you are not real to her then she is not your friend. However, pray the out come is positive for with God all things are possible. Bless you for not neglecting your conscience

  4. I dont think its advisable for you to tell him. He is grown up enough to have unprotected sex means he should be able to take what it comes with. Just let it be my sister. And its not like its your brother.

    • Who knows maybe the "Karl" in question got the tin too & he knows.. he could not be bothered same as Lum isn't. They both might be playing same game. ..well they will find out some day it's can't be hidden for ever. Stay away from the gossip girl God knows you tried. Since u promised your friend never to tell anybody about your little secret. . God bless you

  5. As sad as the situation is, you're not under any obligation neither is it your responsibility to tell Karl about your friend's status. Instead you should continue advising her to do the right thing by telling him herself. Because if you tell Karl about your friends status, then you're betraying your friend and selling out yourself as well. Any relationship or marriage that is built on lies and decits is like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. There's nothing hidden under the sun Karl will eventually find out one day.

  6. Why are women so wicked.. She knows she is HIV positive and she still go ahead and have unprotected sex.. Only God has the final say in this story.that is so so bad..

  7. i read all what most of the anonymous say and some blame the guy. i really don't get it. let's all assume he was having protected sex and he proposes marriage to her…would he keep on having protected sex with her after marriage? we all are our brother's keepers and we should cater to one another like we cater to ourselves. HIV AIDS is an illness like anyother eventhough it comes with a tag and more wahala. telling the guy now after he has been having unprotected sex is of no consequence. you still are as guilty as Lum for not telling him. and i don't understand why Lum would want unprotected sex with Karl knowing she is HIV positive is she doesnt wanna contaminate Karl? what if Karl has other gurls he is having unprotected sex with? you see how many people your silence has affected? well i guess we all should know our Hiv status before we have unprotected sex with anyone in the name of love. this is really sad. only Oluwa can handle dis mata.

  8. My problem and worry is for the child or children they would bear in the future…before marriage, they have to do Hb Electrophoresis and all those tests…if she doesn't say early on that she is positive, the doctor/nurses won't give any drugs or injection that will prevent the poor unborn baby(ies? from having HIV…and it will really be baddd..

  9. As a matter of privacy, i think you should not tell Karl. We all are aware that there is something existing called HIV and t is the responsibility of any man and woman to make sure they are tested before any unprotected sex.

  10. Where ever they are taking their ARVs,there are programs like, Contract tracing (CT), Partner notification (PT), Extended Forum of care (EFC), there are programs that trace those who have been exposed to HIV. It is often very confidential. They have the technical know how on how to go about it.

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