“HELP, I am a 36-year-old married woman and I have never had an orgasm”

Photo used only for illustrative purpose

Good day Kiki and KB readers. May God continue to bless the works of your hands-AMEN! I really need advice on this issue. 

I am 36 years old and have been married to Che (Real name withheld) for 10 years now. We are blessed with 2 kids and have a really healthy sex life. Everything is completely normal and we both fancy each other loads. The only problem? My husband has never given me an orgasm. It is not like he is not doing it often enough; we usually have sex  at least one time a week and tried loads of different positions, but I have never experienced those’fireworks’ other women talk about. 

It is not just with Che, I have never had an orgasm at all. I had two serious boyfriends before meeting my husband and it was the same with them too. I enjoyed sex and felt excited and turned on when we were intimate, but it felt the same from start to finish and there has never been any of those ‘oh, my god, this is it!’ moments. At all. Ever.

I didn’t want to face up to the reality that something could be wrong with me or that I was different. Che is very considerate in the bedroom and, as a result, I usually just end up pretending to have an orgasm so we could finish without him realising. Of course, once I’d started pretending, I had to continue.

Gradually, the stress and guilt of faking it got worse and I began to dread having sex as it became a chore, and instead of bringing us closer together the burden of my secret felt like it was driving us apart. After years of pretending, I knew I had to own up. I told Che and he  immediately went quiet and his silence lasted for days. When we finally did have sex again, he made a massive effort to help me enjoy it by using new techniques and plenty of foreplay. But if anything, it made it worse. I felt under enormous pressure to ‘perform’ and he quickly got frustrated, thinking it was something he was doing wrong. Each time we did it, I panicked, I didn’t want to lie and tell him I’d climaxed, but equally, I didn’t want to disappoint him either.

I think my marriage might not last much longer if I don’t seek help. Please ladies I need advice on what to do. 


  1. Damn your man seriously doesn't know how to play with that clitoris. Look when planning to make love don't rush to sexual intercourse. Take a while for some caressing and touching to make sure all that sex hormones are excessively flowing like dirhea. If ur man just rush to tactile movements then u will never experience that paradise oh

    • Paul you are as dull as an Ibo yam. Don't you understand English, she said they usually have loads of fore play. Don't you know the meaning of foreplay?

    • Have you considered that you might have been a victim of female circumcision?

      Moreover, there should definitely be other spots around your body that when played with could greatly turn you on, keep you on and carry you there. If you know them, discuss that with Che.

      Take note. When he continuously keeps getting frustrated, he will also dread doing it with you…and you know what that means…

      Now, the most vital sex organ is the mind, not even the genitals. Your mind can be a major hindrance, especially when flooded with such negative experiences.

      I strongly advice that you both take time to tell yourselves how, sweet and passionate sex can be; tell yourself how easy it is to get to that ahhh!!! point. Do so until the fear of not getting there is replaced with the passionate expectation of getting there with ease.

      In doing so, your mind becomes conditioned to make it happen with ease. Right now, your mind is conditioned to make it hard to get there. Its all in the mind. Take quality time to reconstruct your minds and enjoy a blissful sex life.

      I bet you, there is just nothing like it.

    • TRue Talker u resemble someman weh fit dull for fuck eh? u no know say sex is only enjoyable when a woman reach that level of esctacy? na solution she ned for reach that point

    • Don't tell him Ok. It will demoralize him. And even if you finally get orgasm in future he might never believe you.
      Tell him to try other styles and that you're no longer feeling it the usual way. At least that will make him know it's a recent crisis and not something that has lasted forever.

      I am a happily married woman and sweet sex made that possible. So my dear don't conclude for all women.

      Read books and let him try using the tongue gently down there!

  2. You shouldn't have told your man. I fake it with my hubby all the time too and when he is not around I use my Vibrator. That is the only thing that gives me an orgasm.

    • Eeehhhhhheeeee÷ i taught i do that alone. But play with them clities u will sure get there it is a beutiful experience dear don't be left behind. Play along side sex with the clitorie and u will get there faster than u can imagin. It is a good feel so sweet than one can explain. U must have suffered. That thing releases stress big time

  3. A lot of African women fake orgasms especially as the men are too rough in bed and selfish. As for me when I get tired and want it to be over I will just fake it.

    • They just want to get der or make love at their own pace. Wen it starts gettg boring or long over due…I just fake it so we can finally stop…Men stms are soo dumb in dt light and cant even realise wen we are NOT enjoying it…SO FAKE IT LADIES bc there's no pt not to do so if u have had enuff boredom durg sex

  4. You can't hv an orgasm when you cloud ur mind with shoes, cloths , makeup during sex.we hv to fully participate in it. And it's real, lots of women hv never had one.bt how will they tell their patners they having faking it all along without hurting his feelings…..

  5. There are tons of self help books out there to help you with that. You can also experiment by yourself and see what makes you excites you, then gentle teach your man how to stimulate you. Also try to not be soo focused on the orgasm, just relax and enjoy the ride. We were raised to believe it is taboo to touch yourself but sometimes that is what it takes to know what excites you the most.

  6. Men please, take your time, touch the clitoris very well, kiss, caress, talk through her ears be gentle. Make her cry and come before getting inside. Most of you guys here think you guys are doing an awesome job when all that is happening is just your partner faking to come. Good luck and please women. Have the conversations and keep trying. You will get there one day.������

  7. Hi lady,

    First, orgasm highly depends on your state of mind. If you feel pressured to get an orgasm, you may never get one. So just take it easy on yourself, relax and enjoy the process. Don't rush your man. Ever. Just let him touch you for as long as he wants. It really does help. And please and refrain from faking anything.

    Secondly, think erotically. Think of what you want your hubby to do to you and if possible, voice them out to him. This could turn you and him on greatly. There's nothing like "sexy talk". Also, don't let your mind to think of things that are not sex-related in the process. This could kill your zeal quickly.

    Thirdly, don't be shy. Let go of any inhibitions and be totally open in the bedroom.

    Fourthly, let your husband play with your entire breasts, nipples and clitoris for as long as possible because these areas are highly stimulating.

    Research says only about 30 percent of women have experienced orgasm. So your situation is not abnormal or anything. If you don't start getting orgasms right away, don't be hard on yourself. You will get there with more practice. All the best to you!

    You Know You Are Cameroonian When

  8. The position of the lady during sex is what matters most.3/4 of orgasms don't come through penetration, it comes via fore play.The man should use his fingers softly not harshly cost the woman skin is delicate

  9. I wish I opened a school for this. When I give, them women never wish to leave. A lot of women are missing the treasures that come with sex. Get to me and tell the story later.

  10. If u can't make it..fake it.lol most men don't take us there..I'd rather fake it than stand the torture of him killing himself effortlessly taking me no way..no be all man be gifted but my ex is a sex wizard..when I want some I go to him (am not married tho)

  11. Sorry i have to go anonymous on this. Truth is most African men are not familiar with orgasm. Most times its about him. My dear i suggest you do kegel exercises especially after 2 kids. Your husband also has his part to do. So as to take you to 7eme ciecle.
    I am in the same pot of soup with you. And trust me i have complained on and on but nothing changes. Makes me moss my EX alot. Sadly he is out of the country. I.mean that guy can suck your pussy dry. He will make you cum and cum until you surrender. Sex with him was the best. He makes sex exciting. Without him I wouldnt have know what orgasm means.
    Please you and your husband need to go into research and do the neccessary.

  12. Well i will suggest you both go into research. Its not a job for u alone. Your husband has his part to play. Good sex takes you on a whole different level trust me. Please do the neccessary and fast ooh.

  13. Two kinds or orgasm exist clitoral and g stop. It is generally difficult to have g stop orgasm to comes with practice in most women its located at the 11 o'clock position. While clitoral orgasm can come from gentle massage of the clit with a finger. While if your BF doesn't try watching pornhub.com and do it yourself..

  14. Ladies the state of mind matters.. Your contributions matters. Why not propose you both buy sex movies and watch them. Buy sex movies and watch them with him. You both need to learn. If you live your husband and love your marriage. I suggest take a good shower.. and you both go on serious, intense romans.. involving sucking and licking.
    Faking orgasm was not the best decission. We women do contributes to our troubles. Orgasm is not every day anyway.

  15. These days, most sex therapists believe that if you can't climax (or don't climax easily), it's a good idea to start by practising on your own This may seem obvious, but many women, even today, feel inhibited about self-love and can't help feeling that it isn't something they should be doing.

    But masturbating helps you to learn exactly which pressures and rhythms you need in order to bring you to orgasm. So, it can be really useful.

    Once you have learned to climax easily on your own, you can then show your partner exactly what you need in order to make you come.

    Of course, this may feel embarrassing at first. But the first step in fulfilment with a partner is to communicate your feelings to him or her and also to communicate how you like your body to be touched.

    When you can't find the words, use caresses. But also try to build up a vocabulary with your partner that's easy to use. A lot of couples find their sex lives fail simply because they don't have the right language. And saying: 'Could you rub my …er …er?' isn't specific enough to be helpful.
    read this book The Big 'O'

  16. Masturbations not advisable in my opinion. Masturbation means you are providing for your self. Masturbations opens up your spirit as you climax. Climax was designed for you and your husband to be one. When you masturbate you open your spirit to spiritual spouse and also the spirit of lust takes precedence. You climax based on fantasy which brings dissatisfaction in reality.
    God is our source of provision please go to him and ask Him. It's not about bedmatics to climax it's about Love. You cannot give what you don't have.

  17. eh, that's a serious matter, please go to Cameroon and ask for Dr Dewah, he is a modern traditional doctor, many women who suffer that same situation can testify.

  18. If you have never experienced something you won't know it exist. For real most women have never experienced climax but they won't be aware until late they attend the first. So I do feel this is a cooked up story to create lure readers attention

  19. My dear, u don't think there is anything wrong with u. I have read the above comments and some right. One thing we African women lack us self discovery. We don't even knowourselves, our turning points etc.We are too African that we think our husbands will work Maggic in bed and give that pleasure. Sometimes we need to guide our husbands to deliver. But if we don'tunderstand our body, how can that happen?
    My point is, take time to play with yourself, discover yourself. Do it with your hubby in mind. Sex is in the brain, physical contact only helps to stimulate. Choose a time when there is no distraction, play some romantic music, take off all your cloths and lock yourself in the room. Touch every part u think u can,and all along, think about your hubby. Once u discover when the sweet is coming from, talk to your invisible husband to touch u there. Practice this over and over until u get it right. In that way, when u are with hubby in bed, just tell him straight what u want. Hope it helps because that helped me too. Stay blessed.

  20. First of all let me say it was good you opened up cuz most women die after more than 50yrs of marriage without orgasm.

    I used to be chief in faking orgasm. I'll fake just to keep my boyfriend. I'll fake to boost his ego, I'll fake to prove to him I'm enjoying sex, I kept faking and yet the relationship still ended.

    I will sit and wonder most times if actually there's such a thing as orgasm or why did some women claim to enjoy sex. I concluded orgasm was man's thing.

    Looking at my sex history I realised I once had orgasm with the most unusual person. This was not a serious relationship; it was just a fling. I couldnt even speak nor shout, I was weak and teary.That was when I knew most women who shout the O'O'O' thing are instead faking.
    Orgasm makes you barely able to talk. That one-time feeling left an impact on me and I longed to go there again but never did.
    Again I had it one-time when I was just alone in bed and missing someone. It came and I had same feeling without touching myself. I was so surprised. And I started wondering what could be the cause.

    Later I gave my life to Christ and stayed off sex for 4yrs.
    When i met my husband (mind you we are now In a Christian setting) I wasn't sure what to expect as we are not supposed to "try things" before marriage.
    I was desperate to know if this man I'm spending the rest of my life with will give me that feeling I once had. I would pray always. My husband is the calm type (Compared to my exs) and it left me guessing how well he could perform in bed. I was so eager to find out.

    Then we started talking about sex. Asking him his experience cuz he too wasn't a virgin. He was shy initially letting me know how "dirty" he was with sex and of course how will this "holy" sister feel lol. On my part I was not too open cuz I was scared he might think funny about me.

    To cut that part short; we finally got married (Our courtship lasted just 5months) so it wasn't actually a long wait.

    When we started having sex, the first few days seemed like my usual experiences. I was so frustrated and I'll lay in bed with my frustration written all over me. He will try and try and nothing.

    Then I realised I will lose nothing by letting him know how I truly feel. He'd tried the penis, the finger and it wasnot working.
    I was shy initially asking if he could use his tongue. He happily accepted and said he certain.

    Oh boy!!!!
    The first day he tried it….
    Blood of God! I "collapsed" if not died and woke up. I had orgasm 7times that day! I didn't want to stop. I will hold him everywhere in the room, kitchen, dinning, bathroom.

    Sex is the best thing God created in marriage and if you can't use it properly, hhhhmmmm

    Since then my husband uses his tongue and the sweetness I feellllll!!!

    What am I saying? Communication is key! If it hurts, say it. If it's dry, say it. If it's too slow, say it. If he's too fast say it. Make sure you complain until he hits the right spot. Otherwise your marriage will crumble or you'll cheat on your his bad and still not get the satisfaction you ever desired!

    This lady's case is so familiar with many Christian ladies or homes cuz they consider every other sex style as SIN. as long as it is not the conventional sex style "Mami and papa", it is considered sin. That's deception. Your spouse's body is entirely yours and as long as you are not physically, mentally or spiritually destroying it… you are good to go.

    I had to go anonymous cuz I didn't want too many finger pointing from some people as this is a very controversial topic.

    My ladies (especially Christian married women) please open up and enjoy marriage. Maybe the tongue can be the only way out. Let him gently rub his tongue all through the clitoris and the vagina and try penetrating you still with his tongue.

    Communicate this with him and enjoy a sweet sex life!

      • Oral sex changed my life. Lady who sent this post in definitely needs to get her husband with the program. It seems like he wants to make her happy and wouldn’t have any trouble with that.
        If that doesn’t work, you need to ask ur Mama if you were mutilated as a child. (Assuming ur mind is erotically prepared for ur husband during ur sex attempts)

  21. I know of a woman who said she had never had an orgasm in her previous relationship because she didn't want to hurt her man. In actual fact she had great sex with her ex and was just so disappointed that her man could not satisfy her enough. Sometimes, love making requires a lot of passion. There are some partners who are just so obsessed about sex and jump into you without getting you ready because according to them sex is love. Without true love for your partner , an orgasm will never come because there is no connection between you two. Some men go below and pour what they get from there back into the woman's mouth. How do you expect her to enjoy kissing you when she knows you are not convinient with her below?

  22. I am a man and have been separated from my wife for years. when I look behind I realise how selfish I was to her in the past. Sometimes it is not a woman's fault that she can't get an orgasm . We men contribute a lot to their state of mind. I have a narcissistic character and have only recently realised that. Before meeting my wife, I had had sex with more than 20 women. All of them within a period of 10years.I was so full of myself and could never say sorry for hurting anyone. I will abuse them and make them feel as if it was their fault. My ex-wife was the only one who stayed more than a year with me.I had issues with myself which I am still trying to sort out to someday find the love of my life. She has happily moved on. I know I hurt my wife so badly that she lost her senses and never enjoyed seX with me. So,dear men,love your wives and value them because they are a gift to us. If you give a woman shit, she will multiply it and give you a double dose h
    Of shirt. But if you give her love she will double it and give it to you in return. My dear brothers, I am speaking from experience being a narcissist gets you only to hell.

    • I'm happy you can even admit to it. Owning up is the first step to healing and transformation. You will find an angel of a woman but you obviously need to create her Heaven to live in. Angels don't live in hell.
      And if you have not yet accepted Christ pls do. He will make your work easier. Hope most men of your type could learn from you. God richly bless you help you as you work on yourself.

  23. Let your hubby take it slow no hard sex. It works for me I never had any orgasm till I ever got married. I never new how it felt like. My hubby takes it slow and deep and it will definitely turn you on.

  24. My dear, I belief you husband loves you very much. So what you can both do is understand and accept your situation. Because in marriage, it's about we and not I. So, accept and talk about it then during love making after a long time of foreplay, take everything slowly and don't get worried or worked up about orgasm. Just let you mind free and focus.

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